TOP TEN PROBLEMS WITH THE INFINITE MONKEY THEOREM

10) Not enough info. Does the monkey use a manual typewriter or a word processor and if the former, does he have to load the paper and set the margins himself? Does White-Out get to make the scene?

9) Nowadays, a couple keystrokes and the ape can get AI to write Hamlet for him. What's the verdict on that?

8) In theory it could take centuries; does it count if the monkey finally gets it right but by then no one actually can recall "Hamlet"?

7) There's no mention of the monkey selection process. Is it random? Do we test to cull the smartest? And if so, who would design the test... another monkey?

6) It's based on an "infinite" amount of time, and yet, a monkey lives how long?

5) Does "Hamlet" have to be written in English or can they go another route... say Simian?

4) There's no word on breaks, whether or not we're going with the traditional ten minutes every two hours, if there's any overtime pay after eight hours and, oh yeah, what's up with the vacation schedule?

3) With people's attention spans on the wane would it be acceptable if the ape attempted an abridged version, ya' know, like... Chimp Cliff Notes?

2) Say there's a simian strike. Are they expected to picket and, if so, will they be the ones writing out the words on the placards they're carrying?

And the number one problem with the Infinite Monkey Theorem:

1) Circling back to #6... No, really, a monkey lives how long?