10) Best special effects involving an alien, a really fast car, surface-to-air missiles and a twenty-minute fight scene that no creature, be it human or alien, could ever possibly live through but yet somehow does. Unscathed.

9) Best worst accent.

8) Best cameo appearance in a movie series by the fading star of the first film who isn't recognized by at least 80% of the audience.

7) Best crying rendition where a snot actually makes the scene.

6) Best subtitles that didn't come close to matching up with what the characters were saying in their native tongue.

5) Best costume design involving at least twenty minutes of gratuitous nudity.

4) Best adapted screenplay from a map, a pamphlet, a cereal box or an old Cracker Jack prize.

3) Best supporting partner for an unemployed actor.

2) Best production design by a production designed to produce designated produce for a movie involving agriculture.

And the number one idea for new Academy Awards categories:

1) Best unrehearsed, open-handed slap scene at an awards show.