TOP TEN "HOW TO" BOOKS THAT NEED TO BE WRITTEN

10)  How to Predict if the Chef Will Spit On Your Steak for Sending it Back.

  9)  How to Tell if Your Mechanic is Makin' Stuff Up.

  8)  How to Inconspicuously Use Body Language to Convince a Witness That the Person On Your Left in the Police Lineup is the Culprit.

  7)  How to Find Out Where Those Socks Go In the Washing Machine.

  6)  How to Tell if an Abstract Painting is Upside Down.

  5)  How to Convince Your Spouse that You Didn't Hawk Your Wedding Ring to Pay Off a Gambling Debt.

  4)  How to Have Your Cake... and Eat it Too.

  3)  How to Tell if You're Having a Stroke or if Someone Burned the Toast.

  2)  How to Get That Person to My Right to Stop Pointing Me Out in the Police Lineup.

And the number one "How To" book that needs to be written:

  1)  How to Tell if This "Top Ten" List Was Totally Mailed-In.