TOP TEN GUERILLA TACTICS NECESSARY TO ENSURE A SUCCESSFUL BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING EXPEDITION

10) The people camping out in front of the store overnight?... No doubt they’re tired and easily diverted. A streaker and a bottle rocket and you’re third in line, fourth at the most.

9) Once inside don’t be above shouting “Fire!”. Hell, it might not be legal but it sure gets results.

8) Things that cost $99 can appear to be only $66 if you turn the price tag upside down. Just sayin'.

7) Never make eye contact with a rival shopper; it gives the impression, false or otherwise, that you care. Again, this is guerilla shopping. You DON’T care.

6) Long check-out lines tend to disperse rather quickly when a mouse is spotted. You can pick one up cheap at PetSmart.

5) What's the harm in flirting with a nerdy sales clerk armed with a price gun who'll do just about anything for a little attention?

4) While tripping, chop blocks and forearm shivers are frowned upon in the NFL they’re the essence of this holiday blood sport. And don't be afraid to call an audible whenever you're sensing a blitz.

3) Eat a high carb meal before your spree, keeping liquids to a minimum. Remember, potty breaks are for amateurs.

2) Let last year be a lesson to you: Bring enough chloroform this time.

And the number one guerilla tactic necessary to ensure a successful Black Friday shopping expedition:

1) Get in good with someone on the inside… someone who can hook you up with everything you want while you sleep soundly through this whole fiasco.