Writing and the Art of Procrastination
Okay, so this particular blog contains 884 words and reads at an 11th–12th grade level. The average time to get through it is approximately 3 minutes and 13 seconds, or if spoken, 4 minutes and 55 seconds, according to WordCounter, an online tool I use to calculate words and sentences and analyze other aspects of written pieces. These particular numbers are pretty typical, with the reading level often fluctuating between upper high school and college. My word count clocks in at a minimum of 750 but can get up to around 1000, so this column right here would probably end up right in the middle of a distribution curve on a stats graph if I were so inclined to create one (yeah, I’m not). As for the “reading to yourself or out loud” bit, that’s on you. You can muster up your inner Homer Simpson and take 20 minutes to get through it, or do a Tony Robbins on dexies, “bat out of hell” rendition, and crunch the words in no time flat. Either way, there are 884 of these suckers to mentally consume and hopefully digest.
Oh, and before I go any further, I get what some of you are thinkin’, “Hey, that’s quite a parlor trick he just pulled off, knowing all that detailed information about this piece while just beginning the first paragraph.” And, of course, the rest of you, the skeptics, are all rolling your eyes, musing, “C’mon, that opening data was obviously filled in at the end when he actually knew the numbers tally.” And now you may be wondering if I’ll admit to being some kind of savant or that I was just tryin’ to pull one over on you (yeah, I’m not). Suffice it to say, the numbers are real. And, believe me, you wouldn’t want to count ‘em out yourself to see if I’m telling the truth ‘cause, yeah, that’ll take way too long and would increase your total reading time—both out loud and to yourself. A note: If you do decide to read or count out loud, please use your indoor voice. No need to piss off the neighbors, yet again.
Gotta say, I get asked a lot of the same questions regarding my writing: How do I come up with a subject? Is there a set format I follow? Do I get writer’s block? Why do I not just say “screw it” and let AI handle it for me? Or, why bother when it’s becoming more and more evident that people don’t read anymore? Those are the polite questions, unlike the others: What in the world were you thinking when you decided you’d become a writer? Or: Did you actually figure you’d get away with this, you total chump poser?! Or, my fave: Did you ever consider taking a course or two before you verbally threw up all over your shoes in public with this written composition thing you’ve started? That last one really hurts the most ‘cause it was family that said it.
For the record, I’m not one to duck the hard-hitting questions, so here goes: I don’t come up with the subject; the subject comes up with me. My format is basically to make sure I have a beginning, middle and end. Sure, I get writer’s block; like right now, for instance. If you’ve been reading my recent blogs, you’d see that I did, indeed, let AI handle the writing chores for me a couple of times, but I can’t really speak to that because I may be in the midst of litigation (yeah, I’m not). I don’t buy that people don’t read; they text constantly. And now for the more impertinent queries: Okay, chances are I WASN’T thinking when I decided to become a writer. Funny, I really did figure I’d somehow get away with this. And to answer the “throwing up all over my shoes” thing, I actually did take a college course in Creative Writing back a handful of decades ago, so there! And to all my family who asked that, and, unfortunately, keep asking it?… Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!
Okay, all that said, it’s time to get past the small talk, the pleasantries, the chit-chat, so to speak, and really hunker down. Time to put my cards on the table and deliver because this blog only publishes once every two weeks, which is ample time--by virtually anyone’s standards--to come up with a concept that checks all the boxes for originality, relevance, thought provocation, biting wit, and, of course, contains a minimum of the aforementioned 750 words. But before that, a couple last minute notes: Hey, I warned you in paragraph four that I was experiencing writer’s block. Also, WordCounter only gave me credit for one word with the “nah-nah-nah-nah-nah” thing when I was really hoping for five, but hell, I got to write it again just now, so that’s two (not to mention all the extra ones I’m getting by explaining the situation). Oh, and, um… I totally get that I should come up with an actual topic here to write about but then all my numbers in paragraph one would be completely out of whack. So, yeah, once again I get that some of you might be thinkin’, “This guy, he’s pullin’ our leg, right?" (yeah… yeah, I am).