The Rain, The Ark & Other Things

Living in La-La-Land is a real plus when it comes to weather but recently we've been deluged with much-needed rain which got me to thinkin' about Noah's plight in 2105 BCE, you know, way back when Keith Richards was still in diapers. Such a massive undertaking, right, having to construct a humongous boat capable of containing two of every living thing, ample quantities of food and water, not to mention restroom facilities and sleeping quarters. And what about exercise considerations; was there any talk of a gym? Or a dining area, for that matter? And the fam's clothing situation, did they go with the standard two bag maximum--$30 for the first, $40 for the second? Could they bring a carry-on? Were overhead bins a thing back then? Was the concept of "personal space" even broached?!... Sorry, I digress.

Okay, according to the Old Testament, God determined the world was corrupt except for Noah, who was the only righteous man on earth, so he called on him to build an ark 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high. Daunting, right? I mean, it's not like they even had nail guns back then. So approximately 100-120 years later the task was done. Oh, and by this time?... yeah, Noah was like 600 years old (too early for another Keith Richards joke?). He then gathered up both sexes of every animal ever created, along with the wife, his three sons and their spouses (oh to be one of the two flies on the wall listening in on those daughter-in-laws' goodbyes to parents convos) and boarded the Ark. God shut the door and proceeded to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights covering up the entire earth. A year later the water had receded enough for Noah to anchor on Mount Ararat. He opened the door and was immediately greeted by Keith Richards (c'mon, I had to).

A lot to digest, right? Not least of which is realizing that Keith's sets had to be "Unplugged", what with the lack of electricity and all (hey, just tellin' it like it was). But, look, I'm not here to judge the credibility of any of Genesis' observations. Granted, some people believe in the story verbatim, others take it with a grain of salt and still others chalk it up to grandiose storytelling. Myself, I can't help but think how this would play out today if, perchance, God looked about and deemed the earth, I don't know... corrupt? (if you were drinking just then... nice spit take). So, yeah, he's got the ultimate cable set-up; he watches the news. He's deeming it corrupt. That said, he looks about for the lone man or woman who may be righteous and voila!... amazingly enough, Bill Medley, the last living Righteous Brother, is still alive at the age of 82... I know, crazy, right? It's like some kind of divine intervention.

So God commands from the heavens, "Bill, build an ark!" Completely wakes the guy out of his midday nap (again, he's 82). Bill jumps out of his Barcalounger, looking up, "God, is that you?" The Creator, momentarily taken aback (impossible by definition but go with me here) thinks, "Is it me or is this guy's voice actually lower than mine?" The Big Guy then proceeds to go over his instructions: the dimensions of the craft, the materials to use and who to bring along, just like he did with Noah. Immediately upon finishing, Bill freaks out, "The male and female of every living thing? But there's gotta be a zillion insects alone! Not to mention all the snakes; you know how much they freak me out! And what happens if any of these animals get sick; I wouldn't have a clue. I'm no vet!... C'mon, how 'bout I just do a benefit concert for your favorite charity. I could get your people backstage passes, do the 'meet and greet' thing, maybe sign some autographs?"... A long pause. An acoustic version of the opening riff to "Gimme Shelter" plays in the distant background (sorry, it's almost over).

God eyes his creation knowingly, a benevolent smile crossing his face. "It's okay, Bill, I'll figure something else out. Sit back down and resume your nap."  Slowly the melodious baritone takes a seat in his recliner, closing his eyes. A heavy sigh, "Was having the best dream. Funny, how you can never seem to get back to it after you wake up, huh?" "Let me see what I can do" the Divine replies. And just like that, Bill returns to his earlier visualization set a thousand years in the future as he, reunited with Bobby Hatfield, his original Righteous Brother companion, sing before a multitude of adoring fans all gathered in some interplanetary thirty-first century stadium, the bedazzling light show and visual effects blending seamlessly with the heavenly space-age instrumentation being played by actual angels. And in their midst... wait a second... on the "solar-nuclear-powered vapor guitar"... could it be?