I'm Sorry, Have "We" Met?

FYI, if you want to be in the know then check this out: "We're So Jealous of George & Amal Clooney's Weekend Plans" and "Reese Witherspoon's March Book Club Selection is A Murder Mystery We're Dying to Read" or how 'bout "Costco is Selling Heart-Shaped Macarons and We're in Love", not to mention "Martha Stewart Just Shared a Winter Version of Caprese Salad & We're Drooling" and don't miss "5 Pink Shoes We’re Crushing On" and by all means read how "Salma Hayek’s Sensational Hot Pink Bikini Has Us Sailing Right Into Summer".

So, yeah, all that happened. Every bit. No hyperbole, nothing made up for effect. No cutting and pasting, just real titles I found online from such entities as BuzzFeed, sheknows, Women's Health, Yahoo and others. That's right people, all of this incredible news has us jealously dying to read, while in love, both drooling and crushing on anything and everything as we go sailing right into the summer. Wow, guess all I can say is I'm honored to be lumped in with these celebritities as well as my fellow purveyors of aesthetically cool stuff. So, like, I'm one of the gang now? I'm part of the scene? How can I not be, right? I mean, the titles said "we" so that must include me, too.

As per yoush, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. There's gotta be more to this than meets the eye, something I'm missing. Maybe the "we" part isn't "me"; maybe the people who wrote these articles are talking about themselves along with their inner circle. Maybe "they're" the "we". So I do my due diligence only to discover there's either a lone writer or, most often, just the media masthead with no author's names available for these publications. That's right, there's no "we" there. Not even close.

Indeed, what now am I left to deduce? Could it be that somehow these big social media platforms have vetted me personally and decided, "Yesiree, bub, we're excited that someone of your high caliber would be interested in perusing our pages and, hellz yeah, we totally want you to be a part of our posse!"... Huh, even though I did randomly happen upon these articles and you'd have no way of knowing who I am?... Yeah, I'm gonna take a hard pass on that (damn, and I so wanted to be part of a posse). So where does that leave me? What am I missing?

Okay, time to get down to the real deal: We all know there is no "we" there. It's just a gimmick, a ruse designed to infuse excitement into another pedestrian account of a celeb's weekend or a mammoth wholesaler's newest pastry offering. Even more insidiously, it's a bold-faced attempt at giving the reader a false sense of community. And while you may submit said reader should know better (and you'd have a point), it could be that he or she never really had a chance, having lost perspective a long time ago; that this is just one more stratagem in a long series of brainwashing attempts, a continuation of our now rather thorough indoctrination into what is referred to as "the global community". You know, the place where all of us, through the magic of the internet, are totally connected? The one where any number of your "Facebook Friends" could walk by you on the street and neither one of you would even recognize the other?

So now that we've gotten to the bottom of things and called these "good friends" out, what's left? I guess we can issue a heavy sigh and utter a few useless idioms like "Ahh, I'm just barking at the moon" or "Whadya' gonna do; can't fight City Hall" and, of course "If you can't beat em', join 'em"...

Whoa... wait a sec, there it is, the "out of the box" solution that's been staring us in the face the whole time. They so wanna be our friends then, yeah, let's be friends. Just make sure they know that being a friend isn't without its responsibilities. Being a friend entails loyalty and commitment. Being a friend comes with a price. Hint: This is the part where you gather their contact info.

"Hey BuzzFeed, just a quick call to remind you Lola's 8th grade graduation is this Wednesday. Be there by 5:30 PM and don't forget a gift (the new iPhone would be perfect!)"... "Hi Lola, at Women's Health, just shooting you a quick text to make sure we're on for Saturday's pool party at your place. Do send me directions!... Dear Yahoo: So we're finally tying the knot and would be so thankful if you'd spring for everyone's hotel rooms at The Waldorf. Not to worry, keeping the guest list under 250. Just so you know, "we" are so excited to be "your" friends!