Hosie This!

So, I'm minding my own business one morning, nuking up a little two-minute oatmeal while grabbing some fruit from the fridge, lookin' to start my day with a healthy breakfast, when suddenly my wife reaches in, snatches the partially filled container of raspberries and proclaims, "I hosie these!"  WTF, right?  I mean, first off, I'd already physically taken them out of the bin, opened 'em up and put 'em on the counter and secondly... "hosie"?  I waited for an explanation but none was forthcoming; she matter-of-factly went about preparing her own breakfast as though all was good.  It wasn't.  None of it.  "'Hosie'... What the hell is 'hosie'?"  "You know, it means 'I called it'.  Like 'dibs'", she replied.  I've known this woman for over half a century and never once heard this word out of her mouth.  So, yeah, I'm not buyin'.  "You just made that up," I protest.  Her response?... a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic grunt.  So that's it, I'm off to the races.  I'm googlin' that sucker.

No way; how did this happen?!... Turns out it's a word.  "Hosie"... for realz.  How did I not stumble upon this all these years?  How could such a moronic term (sounds Canadian for the person a "hoser" is "hosing") not have made it onto my radar my whole life?  Hell, I watch stuff; I read!  "My sister and I used to say it all the time as kids", my wife explains.  Turns out it's equivalent to calling "shotgun"--the first claim to the front passenger seat in a vehicle--only this works on anything and everything; it's the ultimate shotgun... I could only sigh, eating my breakfast mutely, unsure as to what was worse, the "in-your-face" fruit grab or my grossly uninformed vocabulary setting me up for raspberry-less breakfast decades later.  I chewed my cereal as loudly as possible, hoping to irritate the person who had now gone from "my better half" to "yeah, not even close".  Ironically, my forced food exclusion had become food for thought.  Even worse, I realized she had her earbuds in, my overemphasized masticating sounds all for naught, my jaw now registering actual pain.  

Indeed, it wasn't until later that the fallout really hit me, when I finally started to grasp the enormity of the situation.  All these years I could've been taking advantage of this hosie notion, using it for personal gain.  How much easier my life would've played out with a hosie in my pocket: the needless waiting at the airport for my Uber driver replaced by pushing monied strangers to the curb while hosying their limos.  Foregoing taking a number at the neighborhood deli counter to getting all dictatorial with, "Gotta hosie here!  I'll take the honey ham you just sliced for the young lady, thank you!"  And as good as the fleecing of actual physical objects from others would've been, using the hosie to cut out life's red tape would've been better: eschewing the doctor's waiting room by hosying the next appointment, yelling "hosie" out my car window for an empty parking space some fifty yards away or, better still, having my way at the DMV.  Hell, just the DMV thing alone, right?!

So, yeah, I did some digging on this word.  This furtive little, hide-in-plain-sight verb.  This seemingly made-up thing that somehow garnered traction with others but never with me.  Come to find out it's Boston slang which sorta makes sense seeing as both my wife and I grew up in Massachusetts (albeit 90 miles from the capital).  Turns out this little term is right up there with "wicked", "frickin'", "frappe", "bangin' a uey", "pissah" or "suppah" when it comes to the Beantown vernacular.  Interestingly, too, there was a wide swath of Bostonians online who claimed to have never heard of the expression so that made me feel a bit better.  But, yeah, just a bit.  So, the reality is my uninformedness (totally a word; look it up) cost me a good dozen raspberries and that there are people in this country (or maybe just Boston) saying things like "I hosie that frickin' wicked pissah frappe after suppah."

Gotta say, one of the few things I'm good at is getting even.  I've been known to take my time, playing the long game.  It's designed to give the impression that I'm over it with no hard feelings to the one who's done me wrong.  Makes 'em think that it's just like water off a duck's back.  Water under the bridge.  Ya know, before they're suddenly in uncharted waters (last water reference, promise).  So, get this, during my research into this word I happened upon a major discovery: It seems the hosie can be upstaged, relegated to second banana.  That's right, the "high hosie" outranks the inferior plain ol' hosie every time.   So now?... yeah, I just sit and wait.  Bide my time.  And then, the instant my wife attempts another siege with her childish little word, I'll be ready to pounce, countering with "High hosie to infinity!"  Ha, won't she be surprised.  Won't she be in hot water (okay, that one's really my last).