Chump Chow Choices

Remember that time you sauntered by a vegan restaurant only to be blown away by the overpowering, totally tantalizing smell of extra-firm tofu wafting your way, the aromatic sensation causing you to make an immediate beeline into the eatery and demand a double order of whatever entree it was they were cooking? Or how 'bout that incident where you woke up in the middle of the night jonesing for a nosh, sneaking into the kitchen to raid the fridge, excited beyond belief to discover a large, tossed salad sitting in there with your name on it? Or, on a more somber note, do you recall that bad day a while back when everything seemed to be stacked against you and you were totally bummed out, surrendering to your baser instincts by settling in with a pound of fresh, uncooked broccoli, scarfing the whole thing down, stalks and all, in one sitting? Remember all those occasions?... Yeah, didn't think so.

Fact is, the vast majority of us are prone to eschew anything resembling wholesome food when it comes to feasting, binging, midnight-snacking or any of the other gourmandizing endeavors listed in our playbooks. On the contrary, the worse a food group is for us the more we wanna chow it down. Greasy burgers and fries?... send 'em this way! Extra-large bucket of KFC?... let me take that off your hands! A gallon of Rocky Road ice cream?... got a spoon right here! And while you're at it, fire up the deep fryer 'cause when it comes to tossing stuff into boiling oil we have absolutely no qualms about trading in a decade or two of our lives--and maybe even a few toes--for an artery-clogging, glutinous buffet. And what'll we wash it down with?... Booze, of course: beer, wine, rum, whisky, vodka, tequila and yeah, maybe even a little moonshine. And let's not even pretend moderation gets a vote here.

And therein lies the dilemma: These supposed perfect bodies of ours, the ones that began evolving from a single-celled organism some 3.5 billion years ago?... yeah, they have a major flaw. As much a marvel as they are, simultaneously monitoring our blood and oxygen levels, breaking down the nutrients in our food while our circulatory system passes them on to other parts of our body to be stored or used as energy--all the while simultaneously warding off disease and infection--they've somehow dropped the ball. And these big brains of ours, constantly encrypting the barrage of messages being transferred via sight, sound, touch, smell and taste to assess our safety and adjust accordingly?... yeah, they've turned a blind eye, allowing us to gravitate towards the most harmful foods we could possibly ingest. What sense does that all make? If our deal is to survive, why don't we get crazy- excited over cauliflower and brussels sprouts? Why do we choose cookies and brownies over fruits and berries every time?

Clueless, I decided to check out what the scientists had to say. Interestingly, a popular theory states that a person's gut feeling will have them opting for something flavorful, even if deemed unhealthy, well before their mind can detect whether it's good for them or not... Yeah, not buyin'. The brain knows the score, it just doesn't want to be double-teamed by the taste buds and the stomach. Another belief is our stress level is assuaged by the intake of "comfort food"--oftentimes containing a high sugar content, releasing endorphins that have an opiate-like effect on our brains--helping to calm us down... C'mon, what're you, high? And finally, really getting into the weeds, scientists believe that early humans who ate the most calories had a better survival rate, thus passing these genes on to their progeny. At that time, fruit, the most common natural source of sugar, could provide more energy than other sources of food, only it was relatively scarce... Great, so now, because sugar abounds, we can't help ourselves? Cop-out much?

Gotta say, I'm a big fan of the men and women in lab coats but the truth is they're overanalyzing; it's really all about the marketing. Talkin' Madison Avenue. Talkin' lobbyists. Talkin' bacon. Think about it: ever since these pork influencers pulled off the BLT they've been going hog-wild (pun intended). They've got supermarkets, delis and restaurants wrapping these slices around other meats: steaks, burgers, lamb, pork and meatloaf of every stripe. Likewise, fish, be it cod, halibut, shrimp and scallops; if it swims, they'll lard it up. Worse still, they've gone after produce. You've seen 'em in the butchers' cases: asparagus, beans and carrots with slabs of bacon doing their best python impression, squeezing these poor veggies into quiet submission. And the kicker?... they invented Bacon Bits designed to be generously strewn over what was once considered the perfect wholesome, dietary lunch, the salad. Clearly, these pig pushers have no conscience.

So yeah, bacon was the tip of the spear ("kebab", if you will) with the rest of the greasy, fatty, salty, sugar-laden junk foods following close behind, flaunting their caloric content, enticing aromas and heart attack-inducing tendencies and we, as a people, laid down prostrate before them, no resistance in sight, more than happy to acquiesce, our guards completely down. And with all that said, I just can't help thinking of bacon... God, I love bacon!