Art Clearly Not Imitating Life
So, the other day I'm at the supermarket checkout line when I run into an old buddy I hadn't seen in years. For the first few minutes it's all about him and his totally fab life and then suddenly... nothing. A very pregnant pause until I finally realize this is the part where I'm supposed to tell him about my equally fab life. Only, I got nuthin'. I panic, wishing I had a wingman, espying a People Magazine at eye level and suddenly I'm off and runnin', ""Just had a messy break-up with a Kardashian. Sorry, can't go into it, what with the nondisclosure agreement and all." Yeah, that garnered a nonplussed look. Not waiting for a response, I pressed on, taking my cue from the candy bar display. "Got this NASA gig, in charge of this new satellite in 'Orbit' around 'Mars'. That and a hush-hush project involving the entire 'Milky Way'. Gonna provide a real 'PayDay' for science." Should've stopped there, I know, but then I spotted the energy drinks and my wrestling 'gators', running with the 'bulls' in Pamplona (yeah, they were 'red') and 'monster' truck rally tales just sort of tumbled out of my mouth.
I know, I know, you're callin' B.S. on me right out of the gate. And rightly so 'cause none of that ever happened. 'Cause nobody does that; it's too absurd. And yet, this tired trope is still used time and again as a plotline in movies and television shows. It's called a "Line-of-Sight Name", an on the nose label for someone forced to ad lib on the spot, using whatever cues around them they happen to see. To be fair, the writers employ this bit because they're in a visual medium and the audience wants to see everything, even people's thoughts. The fact that it strains the boundaries of credibility seems not to enter into the equation. Why let reality get in the way of a good chuckle, right? And, of course, the laughs keep coming when the character, caught up in his or her lie, is now being questioned as to the validity of their opening crazy statement, thus forcing them to employ more monikers from other visual cues to keep the farce going. And somehow, the ruse holds together, gathering steam. Ya know, until the end of Act II when it all falls apart.
There's plenty more when it comes to TV and movies attempting, and yet failing miserably, to use their medium to imitate reality. How about this: A pair doing investigative work stumble onto the computer of their mark but are locked out, needing a password to get vital information. They put their heads together, desperately trying to conjure up what that particular person might choose as the keyword or catchphrase allowing them entry, only to strike out on their first two endeavors. Down to their final shot (cause, like, you only ever get three shots), and catching a moment of genuine clarity, they realize the name of their subject's fave baseball team or breakfast cereal or teacher in third grade who was so instrumental in getting them to finally believe in themself. They punch it in and, "voila", they hit pay dirt, a cache of emails, spreadsheets, phone numbers and addresses (along with a dynamite chili recipe) are there for the taking. It makes me crazy every time, in part because they're treating us, the audience, like naive imbeciles. But mostly because I can never remember my own password in real life.
Another startlingly ridiculous scenario that seems to pop up all too often in a storyline is when a character admits something unbelievably bad to another character while a third person, who can use this information to totally destroy them, happens to be standing right outside of the door... the open door! Who does this?!... I'll tell you right now, if I'm admitting that I had a dalliance with the boss' wife in the coatroom at the Christmas party and that she's now pregnant with my child, I'd close the freakin' door. And that door would be in a bank vault. And I'd be telling this to someone using sign language. Or writing it down. In braille. And even then?... I'm not tellin' 'em. Ever!
So yeah, Hollywood's way off base here, their art not even remotely imitating life. Oh, and speaking of "remote", how 'bout this for crazy odds: I'm in the "Classics" section of a bookstore back in Massachusetts where I was visiting my family and suddenly there's a guy right in front of me who I hadn't seen since high school. A total longshot, right? Anyway, we get to talkin' and he's a real pain, the kind of person who's always trying to one-up you with his worldly exploits so I decided to beat him at his own game, quickly taking the offensive. "You're catching me just 'Out of Africa'", I offer, "About to take a 'Passage to India'", I continue. "You know me, always answering to 'The Call of the Wild'", just embracing that 'Unbearable Lightness of Being' 'Gone With the Wind'". Yeah, this totally caught him off balance, so I went in for the kill. "Me and my friend, 'Ulysses', will be at the "Tropic of Cancer' this time next week. The "Sun Also Rises' in that "Brave New World', let me tell ya. Between here and there... it's like a 'Tale of Two Cities'". The guy could only stand there, dumbstruck. Pretty sure he bought it.