And The Winner Is...

"... And this year's nominations are: Maria Santos for 'The Seventh Street and Western Intersection', Seth McDaniel for 'The Crawford Middle School Entrance', Jeremy Scopes for 'The Elm Street and Patton Four Way Stop', Tracy Carson for 'The Harris Junior High School Crossing' and Howie Fontaine for 'The Lincoln Street Causeway'. And the winner for Best Crossing Guard goes to... Wow, I'm so nervous I can't even get the envelope open. Just gotta say, this is so exciting!... Okay... finally... The winner is... Jeremy Scopes for 'The Elm Street and Patton Four Way Stop'!"... The auditorium assembly goes wild as Jeremy Scopes, a beloved twenty-year crossing guard veteran, stands and is immediately hugged by those around him. Immersed in the crowd for seemingly forever, he finally saunters up to the stage, a sheepish grin on his face as the thundering applause continues...

Okay, that probably didn't happen. Would've been cool, though, if it did. Ya know, Jeremey finally getting his day in the sun after decades of dutifully looking out for all those wide-eyed youngsters, full of boundless energy, just chomping at the bit for his "coast is clear" signal and then, once getting it, hot-footing it behind him as he leads the way, stop sign front and center, eyes staring down a battalion of trigger-happy motorists, all gunning their engines as they take in this proud male lion protectively ushering his cubs across mankind's version of the tropical savannas. Surely, this person with the perfect attendance record in an outdoor "rain or shine or snow or sleet" gig, receiving such a meager remuneration for his steadfast efforts deserves the opportunity to be honored by his peers for his tireless devotion. Hell, that can't be askin' too much. Seems only fair, right?... Anyway, that would've been cool.

So, yeah, now that the Oscars, the last hurrah of the overly-long (winded?) awards season, are over it struck me as to how gratifying it must be to work in an industry that celebrates its members' accomplishments. Indeed, just to be singled out in the nomination process is flattering but then to win, in front of, like, a zillion viewers?... now that's one heapin' dose of fanfare. The bothersome thing about it, though, is the fact that, of all the professions, this one--the one where the participants are put on a pedestal to be adored by the public 24/7 anyway--seems like the last occupation that really needs it. After all, they got to chew scenery all year while others were digging ditches or sweating their sales numbers or trying desperately to keep their restaurant afloat or... yes, helping kids cross the street safely five days a week. They got paid millions up front with a piece of the back end and an eight-page glossy spread in Vogue Magazine and they're the ones getting the awards? C'mon now.

And while we're at it, have you heard some of the speeches? I mean, the vanity on display is staggering. It's not enough that these beautiful people are bestowed with beautiful golden statuettes, accompanied by beautiful accolades from--you guessed it--other beautiful people, no, they readily hightail it to the stage armed with an oration that just won't quit. Literally. To the point where the producers have no recourse but to bring out the big guns, in the form of deafening orchestral music, and play them off the stage... And, yeah, while it might seem like I'm bordering on hyperbole here, the point is if we saw other professions in the same light receiving performance awards I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be as full of themselves as these thespians. Seriously, do you think for a minute that Jeremy, the lovable crossing guard, would let all this adoration go to his head? He'd be humble, for sure. No way he'd allow his ego to run amok in response to an adoring crowd. The man's a mensch, a salt of the earth guy and guys like that don't succumb to such narcissistic tendencies... right?

A beaming Jeremy Scopes stands in front of the microphone, in the midst of what has already been one long-ass acceptance speech. He eyes his golden trophy with fondness, taking a deep breath before continuing... "Ladies and gentlemen, I can't thank you enough for giving me this award for my contribution to this community. Twenty years is a long time and during that time I've been fortunate enough to be entrusted with the safety of hundreds of school children--". Finally, the orchestral music begins to swell. A determined Jeremy doesn't budge, forging on. .. "Children I've come to think of as my own. Children I've watched grow up in my long tenure..." The presenters onstage are now at his side, trying desperately to drag him to the exit as the music increases in volume and intensity. Jeremy does his best to resist, offering up one last declaration to the audience as he's dragged off, "... and I can't deny the fact that you like me... Right now... you like me!!"